No end in sight.

Still waiting. Now its been established that he does have assets its a waiting game and back to court to get the funds.
I just wish it all to be over and done with.

Long time no post…

Well it has been some time since I updated last. So what is happening…
Well I am presently waiting to find out what is going on with my payout. Seems that he is crying poor and decided not to mention quite a few assets shall we say. Never fear I have let my lawyer know what has been omited though.

I havent really known what to write lately though.
A facebook group has been set up for sexual abuse survivors however (search Australian Sexual Abuse Survivors) but other than that atm I am not sure what to actually do. Or if you want search me (Liz Barnett)

In future I will ensure to keep this updated hopefully, although as I have said I really am not sure what to be saying anymore.

There is always a light.

Yes I am alive still. To be honest at one point it was looking doubtful. Yes I was incredibly depressed and lower than low but slowly I have been working myself back to normal.

I am going to use this entry to go right back to the start of when I started the whole claim process as I kept record of it online someplace else but I think it should be here as well. Beware this will be long.

November 23rd 2007

Well most people here know about what happened to me in my past in regards to my grandfather.
So I have finally just realised if I am going to apply for compensation then I have to have my paper work done by Feb next year.
I knew I had been puttingthis off for a while but I really didn’t realise it had been nearly 3 years. It was so easy for me to decide to go to the police and press charges against him (given that did happen 15 years after the offences occurred) But I didn’t have that anxiety feeling that I am getting now when I think about doing this claim.
So for the 7th time (yes 7 times now) I have just asked Legal aid to send me the documents I need to make the claim. The 6 other lots of paperwork I managed to “lose”
Now I know that there are a lot of women on here who have had the same things happen to them as children, I know that very few have taken it as far I have so far. But has anyone done the final compensation part?
It seems like it is making it all so final. I have lived with this for 19 years now and its been a part of who I am and shaped me to be who I am now.
Sometimes I want to take him for every last penny that he has (oh and that’s a lot) and other times I just want an apology, I just want an explanation, I just want my life back.
I find it so easy to talk about what actually happened to me, and I like being able to talk to others and help them deal with what happened and encourage them to stop the cycle and get these people out of society. So why cant I *^%$ing do this. Why is it so hard.

January 15th 2008

The paperwork is in front of me right now and I have done 4 pages so far, called legal aid twice in 30mins, mum 3 times in 30mins, and had 2 blubbering mess cries…. I will get this done.
I had to get off the phone to my mum because I told her legal aid said I would be eligible for the full amount for criminal compensation and she was on about the money and I said it wasn’t about that so she said she would take some of it off my hands for me ARGGGG
Its not about the *^%$ing MONEY
YAY blubbering mess number 3

Well its almost filled in…
The only part missing is the Injury – Mental or Emotional question.
I don’t have a copy of my victim impact statement and I just dont know what to write. I will try and call someone tomorrow to see if I can get a copy of my victim impact statement so that I donthave to rewrite things. I get so worried when I try and write things because I am scared I will write something different to what I did previously and then someone will think I am lying.
I could just fill it in but then I honestly cant remember what was on my statement. I went back through my police statement from January 05 and I had even forgotten about one of the abuse times. How could I have forgotten??? Its like its all imprinted in my mind but everything is getting blurry and I dont know what belong where anymore.
Oh shit… now I have remember something else and just realised something that happened. *^%$
Why cant it all just bloody go away. God the money would be good but I dont need to remember this stuff.

February 13th 2008

I just received a letter from legal aid.

Thank you for applying for legal aid.
You application has been successful.

I dont know what else to say. I am seeing the solicitor in March and its even more real.

I am so glad that I am the only person left in my section at work and that I am sitting up in the very back corner because I have tears streaming down my face.

March 11th 2008

Today at 3pm I had my first appointmentwith my solicitor.
To say that I have been an emotional wreck today is an understatement.
I had already organised to take today off from work even though the appointment was not until 3pm. We left home about 11:30 because I couldn’tbring myself to get out of bed any sooner. Steve decided that we would go to the shops before and which was wheI realised I had a stain on my shirt and freaked out and had to buy a new one and by that time after we had lunch I had to get out of the shops because my anxiety was through the roof. So we ended up just sitting in the car watching the waves break at Alexheads.
Was at the appointment 45mins early and I couldnt stop shaking or calm down let alone try and read a magazine. I went in on my own because I didnt want Steve to hear some of the things I knew that I would be asked.
The solicitor was nice and he did not want me to go into the details of what happened because he would get that info from the reports (that was one good thing) He explained how the compensation works on 2 levels so for one level the max I can receive is $25,000 but the second has to do with how it has affected my life and he didnt explain the money side of that one.
I had so many questions that I forgot to ask, such as how long this ma take etc, but I was to anxious and trying to keep myself calm.
He did ask me something that I wasnt expecting. “Did I have any feelings of blame towards my mum because she had been abused by him as a child but then sent us as childern to stay with him over the holidays”
I didnt know how to answer that one because I hadnt really stopped and thought about it before but I guess in a way I do. But I dont know. I am still incredibly anxious and feel completely drained now but I really needed to share this.

March 27th 2008

Today was my psych appointment that I have been dreading since I found out about it.
As usual I was a bitch from hell last night and this morning and Steve just kept getting on my nerves for the most stupid things. I was full of excuses as to why I shouldnt go to the appointment this morning as well (I couldnt find a bra was one)
I arrived and was sent straight in to see the psych.

I guess I really wasnt sure what it was going to be about today, I thought it was going to be like a counseling session but instead she just wanted to run through and find out what happened and go through different parts of my life to determine how it may have affected me. This was also for her report that will go to my lawyer, the judge and also a copy to Him. In the hour that we were talkinga lot came out of my mouth I hadnt thought of before. The blame I have for my mum and step grandmother. The way I feel like I must protect everyone either by not talking about it with my dad (because I worry he will be as upset as my uncle was) The guilt I feel because I should have said something sooner to stop my cousins etc from being hurt as well.
So so so many things.

So she went over everything with me and asked how I deal with things now, my anxiety, lack of sleep, agrophobia, my fear of losing control, my past promiscuity (I cant spell and CBF looking it up) and now pushing Steve away and not wanting sex. My obesity has been linked which is now linking my PCOS and my fertility problems it seems.

My mind is as usual all over the place right now. She has told me that I have post traumatic stress and also borderline personality disorder (I think that is what she said) but she also clarified that no I am not nuts or mad because this is very common for what has happened. She did explain some more things but for the life of me I can not even remember what was said. She does want me to seek counseling but when I am ready because if I do push myself I wont do it do to the other things that I deal with (agrophobia for one)

So this is the next part to the story. Still a long way off to being finished but its the start of the end.

QUOTE(***** @ Mar 21 2008, 08:37 PM)
I am really sorry to hear you having to go through this… I want to ask you a question tho. Is it really worth putting yourself through all this pain and more emotional distress for compensation?? You seem to be putting yourself through the wringer.. It doesnt sound like it is doing you any good at all!! Is the compensation important to you?? Or is the VALIDATION far more important??

Sorry I only just saw this. I guess my short answer is yes. This is worth it. Each day I feel stronger and yes today has been emotional but I am dealing with it better. I am not withdrawing as much as I normally do.
I think that this is a part of my closure. Its not about the money but the money is what will hurt him the most. I think also because I wasnt at the trial when he was convicted I missed facing him and making sure he knows how much he hurt me and everyone else.

 

 

And now we are all up to date with where I am now.

Deep dark hole.

I have slipped back to a place that I have not been in for a very very long time. I have had moment before when I have sat on the edge of this place but now I have fallen right in. Presently I am trying to cut myself off from the people that I care about the most because I am worried that I will hurt them in some way because I am not sure whats happening to me. Yesterday I wanted it all to be over and end it all. Only problem is I am to scared of death to do anything that stupid. I am finding it virtually impossible to talk to anyone at all which is making for a wonderful time at work (that and the bitch from hell has started on the war path again) I can barely talk to Steve. I know that people are just so sick and tired of me being depressed and negative and I just dont know what else to do other than to hide away so that I dont annoy anyone or bring anyone else down with me. I have even blocked myself from going onto a forum that I frequent. This place is something that keeps me going most days but right now I am far to low for it to help me and I do not want to make it a depressing place.

My solicitor called today. I had been putting off calling him and organising a time to see him because its making it all so real again. Once I sign the final paperwork he said it will be a matter of weeks until it is in court. Yes weeks! I had it in my head months would be the soonest and now he is saying weeks, I am was all ready for it to be years as well… but certainly not weeks. I have been working towards this for so long now and it has become so very real. I dont know what to do anymore but I just want to get through this in one piece.

Not Good.

Today is a bad day. After having barely any sleep last night and then over sleeping and end up late for work and now sit here and have tears streaming down my face. So I now why I am like this, not only am I PMSing but my solicitor sent me an email late yesterday afternoon saying he needed me to organise an appointment to see him so we can get the ball rolling. I am ok when I contact him myself because I am in control of that, but when he contacts me it takes me by surprise and it throws me. I lose the control over the situation and it messes with my head.
So to say that I am all over the place today is an understatement. The self absorbed woman I work with starting going on about her sons massive big compensation payout for his car accident and changing her story yet again. It took all my inner strength to not turn around and tell her just to shut the fuck up because there are other people around with things going on and she is not helping. I want to say something to her about not talking about that because every single time she does it cuts me up inside and makes me feel like I shouldnt be doing this myself. They are only doing it for the money. I am not.
I called our work supplied councelling service this morning as well and am waiting for a call back from them. I want to call them back and cancel it all because I just dont know if I am ready for that as yet and I only called because I am so vulnerable today. I just want to be at home alone with no one around me so that I can hide from the world and just make believe that all of this is just one big bad dream. I want to sleep forever.

So no I am not good at all today.

Bit of a wow.

I did not realise how many people actually read this. Maybe I might be helping more than I thought.
So in the last few days I have managed to find a forum in regards to abuse but alas its not Australian based which is what I am really trying to find. The more I search the more I find out how little there is around to help. My god one site you had to pay to be a part of which yes part is a donation but from what I could work out from the site I don’t know how useful it would have been.

So I have spoken to my solicitor and he has said that the case will be much sooner than I had been expecting. From what I am gathering the case may even be before the end of the year but then he was also being a bit cryptic and vague and I know how busy he is. In one way I want it to be over and done with so that it is one less thing to think about and I can move on (also since he is getting older I am worried he will die before it happens) On the other hand I don’t know if it is the looming case that is holding me together. What will I focus on once that is over and done with? What will I do to keep me busy? No wedding and no court case means I would have far to much time alone with my thoughts.
This then brings me back to wanting to help others. But am I wanting to help others so that I dont want to help myself? Because I dont honestly know how to help myself other than by stopping this from happening to other people.

A new chapter starts

Well the wedding is now done and gone so there is a big empty void of what used to take up so much of my time and thoughts. I have been thinking more about how I would like to help others who have been through what I have as I find that there is such a small support network available which I also do not feel like helps. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places but so far I have found very little in the way of support for adult victims of child sexual abuse online. I do understand that is it an incredibly hard thing for people to talk about and open up about but I also know how much that it does help when you can share your ups and downs and inner thoughts with people that do understand, or to those that have not been the through it but as a way to educate them. Sexual abuse is not something that should be hidden and locked up in the back of the mind as that is why it keeps happening, that is why there are more and more victims each and every moment of the day. The taboo surrounding the talking about it should be removed and it should be something that is discussed and brought back into he open. No not everyone will be able to pursue their abuser as I have but at least if it is spoken about it wont be as hard for those people that come after them. It is US who can help save others and if we dont help then the cycle just continues on and on.

I want to help others. I NEED to help others. I just need to find a way how.

Its been a while.

I think I have been stuck in my little bubble again. I have been so focused on the wedding yet procrastinating at the same time and through this I have been keeping other things from getting out. For some time now I have not thought about the case but I know deep down it is always in the back of my mind. The plans for starting a family are on hold now as well. What with everything else that has been going on I have not lost the weight that I needed to and I know that my specialist will not let me start the medications. Now I feel like a total failure because even wanting a child more than anything else in this world I could not lose the weight.

I know that I have been withdrawing from people again but this time not so obviously . I am feeling bad about not responding to the sexual abuse forum that I am on but if I ignore it I dont need to think about it and can at least save my sanity a small amount.

10 days now until I am a married woman and starting a whole new chapter of my life.

?

I really don’t know what is going on with my head at the moment. One minute I am OK and my mind is a blank and no worries, the next I am a mess and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I know I am taking on to many things at the moment and I just don’t know what I should or shouldn’t be doing.

It really is how my world works though. I can’t just even have everything working and be happy there is always something that will go wrong or that I lose control of. I am constantly thinking positive and trying to think the best but the whole positive thinking bullshit really does not work no matter how many people say that it does. All I need to do is look on the bright side and everything will be OK. Well you know what, life does not work that way. Some things can not be changed just with a bit of sunshine and a bright cheery smile. God if that is how it worked my life would be perfect.

So yes I am slowly falling apart on the inside and no one seems to notice or care. My fiance does not know how to help me because I can not bring myself to talk to him about it because the words all sound so stupid. These are the times when I like living up here far away from everyone, because I barely have to worry about pretending that I am OK because I never see anyone and I can hide from the world.

So much for this blog not being a depressing one.

 

Just to see you smile.

I blurted out everything I was feeling on a child abuse email group last night. I think it was the first time I was even slightly honest to myself about how stressed I actually am. Would like to confide in people that I really know but I just cant because I dont want to burden anyone and i know everyone has their own demons that they are living with. I hate it when people are so self obsessed that they forget others and only think of themselves and I dont want to be like that which is why I dont share. How can what I am going through be any worse than anyone elses life? I just wish all of my shit did not happen at once.

I am actually feeling rather numb today. Although I am just about to burst into tears and now that I am writing this I have a tear rolling down my cheek. I am at work I have to pull myself together and stop this crap.

So can I go home now and just sleep and cry for the next few days? I know I cant because I have to pull myself up and get things done, this wedding cant finish planning itself.